Categories
Glot

Down Under Wonder

Due to the overwhelming number of inquiries as to why I’m making my way to Australia early next year, I feel I have to address the imminent influx of letters, email, and phone calls from concerned fans. Also I have nothing better to write about. And I have no fans.

Here’s why: Australia is frickin’ cool. Exhibit A: platypuses (not platypi, it’s a greek derivative… dumbass). The name translates as “flat foot” which is without a doubt fershure their least remarkable quality. I like to call them duckmoles. Not only are they venomous, egg-laying, and billed, they also get a whole ‘nother sixth sense: electrolocation. A platypus can perceive differences in electrical current between the two sides of its bill. Combined with its wickedly edematous spur, this makes the platypus the perfect go-to animal for scheming mad scientists everywhere.

I registered today for the Thorn Tree, a simple forum run by Lonely Planet for travellers like myself. Spice is nice but moreso good advice. And this, this was my first contribution:

Greetings all,

This 21 y.o. male willl be arriving in Sydney on Jan. 25th (yes that’s intentional) but will be taking the workaday route: job, apartment, the whole deal. Accomodations might be in order for the right kind of oz-farer.

That’s right. I just invited a bunch of strangers to sleep over at my place—in a foreign country I’ve never been to and don’t know that much about. Unless you count Platypi. I mean -puses.

Oh, and I should mention since I didn’t really talk about it at all—if you really want to find out why I’m going to Australia, you should try reading the other glot.

Categories
Glot

Higher Knowledge

Am I the only one who, if somebody sits in your chair when you’re gone then leaves it all warm and almost… moist… that you feel violated? Even a teensy bit?

You have no idea how cathartic it feels to finally write that sentence. You know why? Cause I can write anything at all. I’ve been so damn busy working, dispatching requests, complaints, and repair orders, not to mention keeping a log of every damn key in this hotel, that I haven’t had a half a chance to say “here is this random bit of non-information flitting through my idle mind.” There is no idle mind.

Many yogis have said that the highest knowledge is arrived at by meditating on the meaning of nothingness. To them I say: also, my hair seems very flat today.

Categories
Guess-It

Protected: No. 1, Light of Humanity

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Categories
Glot

We’re coming to Aus-tral-ee-uh

BUNAC work visa, 2-night accomodations, orientation in Sydney, and Lonely Planet guidebook: $595

Inclusive 7-month traveler’s insurance: $379

Round trip airfare (including tax) to Australia: $1414.29

International Youth Travel Card to get huge airfare discount: $17.50

Total cost of getting there: $2405.79
Total money in the bank: $2396.46

…
Dammit. Can someone loan me nine dollars and thirty-three cents?

Categories
Glot-glot

Theme-to-trot

As of 7:38 am Pacific Daylight Savings time, WordGlot theme 0.9 has gone live. Whoo! One chromo-glot-gasm to rule them all.

Take a look around… doesn’t look like an 8th grader did it anymore, does it? Well, there’s still a few wrinkles. For instance the entire sidebar. But dammit, I wasted half a day just retrofitting the stupid thing and countless hours refining the design itself — now I’m gonna reap the reward of all this.

Reward… reward… hm.
I’m not sure what that is now. I seem to have forgotten the point. The point in doing all this. Of fixing up a blog that’s hardly read, that’s irregularly written. And while we’re on the subject, hey YOU: who are you thinking that this is good reading material? You have better things to do and you know it. I want you to stop reading this. Now.

  • Counter-intuitive Rule #422 — If you want someone to do something, discourage them from doing it. Their essential contrarianism will cause them to do it more.
  • Counter-intuitive Rule #422a — Unless, however, you point out their essential contrarianism, in which case they will not do it just to prove they aren’t contrarian (corollary).
  • Counter-intuitive Rule #422b — If you point out that, they will most likely just get confused (counter-corollary).
Categories
Glot

Last Night I Dreamt

I fell off a cliff. On my bicycle. It was dark out and I was following a path. I’d been riding with a childhood friend of mine and he’d gone away, though I hadn’t noticed. But I did notice the cliff — as soon as I rode off it. It took a second to calculate how high I was, calculate my chance of survival. Zero. My heart raced and I lamented the years I’d never have. Then, instead of sheer granite and the vast unforgiving sky, I was plummeting within something soft and looking at slatted wood.

And I found myself on my bedroom floor.

my room, in sunlight

Categories
Au-dee-o

Yvan Merineau say what?

I present, for the first time ever, something of perhaps moderate interest to someone else: a vintage audio recording.

I got this record at a thrift store called City of Hope. It drew my attention for a few reasons… Firstly, t’was fershure self-released: heavy non-vinyl, one-sided, lacking cover art, copyright, and most exterior features (which you can see below). Secondly, the name itself is somewhat intriguing — “Yvan Merineau – Fan Dance”. And, this was key, it smelled old. Most people would neglect this. But as I’m sitting here now I can still smell old people’s garage, the back of a wooden cabinet, wilted paper and cardboard crumble(s), maybe even factory-sealed plastic. I bought it, for $1.50.

I have to thank Show and Tell Music and their remarkable and entertaining collection of discount-bin record covers, for first making me aware of these self-produced albums. No-frills cover art is below:

Yvan Merineau record covercover detail

included record information: Allen Zentz Recording, 1020 No. Sycamore Ave. Hollywood CA 90038 — dated 6-27-82 — track time 8:19

All told there is only one track. It’s a layered synthesizer arrangement that seems intentionally off-rhythm at times, and other times just recorded badly (side note: 1020 N. Sycamore is still there, and is still a studio). But I didn’t buy the music for it’s sound quality; I bought it for it’s novel quality. Not to say I didn’t clean it up, though. I’m not a barbarian.

I’ve taken my share of music from the internet; it’s time to give back. And so I give to you, the people:

direct link: Yvan Merineau – Fan Dance.mp3

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Categories
Optiglot

Tags Gone Bad

Technorati's Tag page for "masculine"

Does it bother you? Then start writing something about masculinity that’s actually positive. Now.

Categories
Smartglot

Trousers of Oppression

Men, we must shed the tyranny of pants. We must cast off these shackles and chains, these chains that keep our balls sticky and uncomfortable. Pants that fit wrong, pants with belts to hold us in, pants that cling to our undercarriage like a remora we must unpluck in the “privacy” of a stolen moment—these devices are meant to keep our masculinity in check and our sexuality properly “controlled.” They are an invention made specifically to entrap a man’s crotch. Ask yourself: don’t my man-parts have a right to something as fundamental as breathing? We must dispose of these reprehensible implements. Let it swing free, my brothers! Fig leaves be damned!

(or maybe this pair I’m wearing is just the wrong size)

You see that? See what I did? That’s funny there. It’s funny, cause men need to wear pants in order to work or go outside or really do anything; everyone knows that. And that’s fine. It’s called irony. We accept pants. Pants, even if inconvenient, are a necessary evil of walking upright. Most people agree we shouldn’t be greeting each other with our sexy bits. C’est la vie, fellow pantsmen. But now, out of curiosity, replace every instance of “balls, crotch, etc.” with “breasts,” every “pants” with “bra,” and “man” with “woman” …you get the picture. Suddenly it’s the legitimate grievance of a first-wave feminist. Wha-wha? Dudes, how did that happen!?

Life is full of minor discomfitures. Sticky balls, butt-plucking, wrong-way wood, zipperphobia, testy testes, chode erosion, and *ahem* decreased seminal potency are all included. To the same extent, so are bungee boobs/bound boobs, Robobras, butt floss, the pubic lint-trap, et al. My personal advice to any of the fairer-shake sex who wish to argue their lot in life: learn acceptance. Who wears the pants? We both do, yes, ok. And bras can definitely be uncomfortable, especially if you’re one of the three out of four who wears the wrong size. But I bet your ovaries never get crossed if you sit down wrong.

And that is why we get to pee standing up.

Categories
Glot-glot

New Taglines

I recently added a few more taglines to supplement the all-purpose, totally true, “blogs Я dum. read GLΘT.”

  1. Way too much time, I know.
  2. Yeah. I’m a sucker for free stuff too.
  3. Everybody’s got a damn blog, don’t they?
  4. Actually, I don’t have anything better to do.
  5. Self-centered American naval-gazing at it’s best.
  6. Boy, do I miss books sometimes.
  7. XHTML-compliance is a vice.

These turned out a little pessimistic, I admit. Especially since I like blogging more and more lately. I just… I wish there was another word. “Blog” used to mean the mixture of different alcoholic drinks you stole by the capful from your parents liqour cabinet. No, really—I read that in a book.