O r i•n z

I’d like to see me, playing a ukelele, really really badly.

I wanna suck at playing it so bad it’s funny.

All people aspire to something. To better themselves. To better society. To protect and provide for their families. To perform acts of renown and courage. To create breathtaking works of art. Can I not dream, dream to suck?

Many would question my dream. They would say that I am only failing at my original dream of learning to play the oft-soft-plucked, sonorous, humble ukelele. No no no contraire. I have learned to play it, just recently (yesterday). Much easier than you’d think. A quick run-down of some Ukelele concepts:

• Tuning. This is very important. GCEA—Girls Can’t Eat Alone. Or, if you’re a visual learner try Gucklerhea.
• Chords. Keep one hand still. Move the other. Congratulations, Mister Clapton!
• Chord Progression. Requires some practice. Move both hands at once. It confuses the hell out of ’em.
• Strumming. When you hit your hand against the stringy bits, such that you make a sound not unlike the stringy bits being dropped.
• Tapping. ‘Percuss’ the instrument—that is to say, hit it. Hit it like it’s your bitch and it just peed the carpet. Rub it’s nose around in there.
• Glissando. An advanced technique whereby one strips the top layer of skin off one’s fingers. It could also very well be a mixture of glitter and sand, I suppose. I don’t know—I make this stuff up.

There you have it. From these simple observations, and also about $40 of your mom’s money, you too can suck at ukelele. Look for samples of musical technique coming soon!!!