I’ve been waiting for something to happen. Something to push me in the right direction. I don’t want to want that which I don’t have. But I want to want what I want, so I guess I want what I don’t have. Only reason to want something, it seems. Makes perfect sense.
Feeling very absent lately; very useless and unfulfilled. As soon as I wrote those words I dropped into presence, into being-here-ness. Whenever I’m not in it I know that it’s absent, I don’t remember how to get into it. I don’t remember why I would want to be in it. It’s not a thing that makes sense. It’s focus, concentration, awareness, but also somehow the effort is effortless. It’s balance. It’s letting-go-ness, that I keep as an active observer. It’s me being inside myself.
Last night, felt engaged in a way I haven’t for a while. Still a bit forced perhaps, but again I think that may be part of being happy for me now. Staring into a mirror now — with my kaleidoscope in the background. An unusual form of meditation.