Categories
Dream Journal

Grandma Australian PM tours Medieval Monument Valley

Slept at a couple friends’ home in Oxnard, CA

In a familiar communal velvet plush gathering space, chairs and windows in an oval, I talk with Patrick who is a week out from graduating high school, very bright and proud. The building is long, with conveyor belts in the workshop/basement open to the air, reminiscent of the Acme Bread Co. Unfortunately an old sorceress grandma has recently put herself in charge. I’ve no recollection of why she was evil, but my co-conspirators and I concoct a plan to overthrow and kill her. I shapeshift and sneak over the back fence. My disguise seems to fail on the way down, and I land naked in a puddle. Luckily the enchantment only gives me the illusion of failure, and to others I appear as a football (the most similar object that would make sense coming over a fence and landing in a puddle). I’m thrown by a conspirator to nearby the witch/sorceress/grandma and successfully trap her face in a plastic bag.


My wife’s late grandfather, Pa, sitting peacefully on a chair in the middle of his old living room. Grams sits on his lap, both gazing at something I can’t see. They’re having a fond conversation, and although I watch their lips move, I hear nothing.


Malaysian news crew leaves a 200 ft. folding ladder in our student news studio. Of course, this is a great temptation for my lads and I. Later, on my way somewhere else, I climb a similar fire escape ladder. A bubbly, distressed blonde runs up and hugs me, surprisingly warm, then effusively apologizes for mistaking me for her close friend who regularly climbs that fire escape.

On the city’s jagged, street-level highway there’s a single minivan going the wrong way, but the cars manage to drive around it as though it were an extremely temporary one-way lane. Later the same thing happens while I’m riding a scooter on a one-way street, an entire line of cars that were diverted, with no notice from our direction.


Australian PM has a special rule, 612, where she can reject things based on being a grandmother. A door displaying the news is marked 612. Sitting around a table, Lynae gets up and a made-up but world-weary Asian girl sits in her chair. Despite the possible tension from bringing up politics, I solicit opinions by sharing the analogy of an internet response code, ‘4xx – machine on fire’. The Aussies seem properly amused. A newsstand reports “PM unhurt by nip dip”, and I learn this refers to the particulars of temporarily banning high-priced smart devices. Australia, after all, is the country exporting the raw materials to make them. Unbeknownst, the PM was sitting at the next table over, appreciates my gab, and takes me on a local tour.

The semi-arid town seems generic — there’s a central roundabout, off to the left is the industry, upslope to the right are short flat houses with fenced-in yards. In the distance is a chunky green promontory, much like Monument Valley USA. As we drive closer I see stunning medieval-imitation towers, ramparts, and fortifications. I can’t even fathom such artistic means, or their intent. This is what the area is famous for. I’m so awed by the beauty I begin to doubt its realness, even telling the PM it looks like a Myst game. This only exacerbates it’s majestic quality. Against the golden dusk light, the elegant stone buttresses on the far side of the hill spout waterfalls, the leafless trees clutching spherical mud-daub treehouses. Yet nothing degrades into unreality, it simply remains repentantly beautiful.

Categories
Dream Journal

Seattle, QLD

Hummingbird babies in their nest inside a Tupperware, I’m surprised to see when I turn it over. This is the reason we’re walking toward the tropical forest gorge. It’s my female friend and I walking along a sidewalk near where she met her husband, and we’re rolling along a big concrete pipe section. Nearby there are oddly narrow buildings made of the same stuff. Our pipe rolls over a stop sign and it produces the humorous message “Windows has encountered an error”.

There’s a town called Seattle in a rainy spot on the north coast of Queensland, on a little isthmus of a peninsula. It’s hard for me to find by zooming in, as other town names pop up instead such as Williamsonia.

Staying as guests in a house, my suitcase stuff scattered around some oldsters couch. Their cute but fussy young son or grandson doesn’t want to wear pants, and is dressed in my dashiki suit. He’s happy to stay that way even though they look like pajamas.


My wife and I leave for her makeup fair an hour and a half after it starts, at 1:24 pm. I have difficulty with my phone, setting it to correct timezone, from where I am in Australian East coast time.

Categories
Glot

Three Months None the Wiser

Today I’ve been three months out of Australia. Three months, being back in the U.S. without a job, or really any well-conceived plan, or a pointed direction to go. And I’ll tell you why that time period is so special as opposed to 2 months or just 1 or a single rotation of Neptune: 3 months is the limit of an Australian tourist visa. The one I never got. In other words, there’s a different reality out there where I came home today. I flew in to LAX about 10:30 this morning with a lot more knick-knacky crap and probably more money.

Flag of Official Because I can place that as my one mistake during my Australian travels. Well, no… there was a lot of mistakes, a litany of shame mostly involving stupid things I said or did around pretty girls, but none I truly regret save for that one. I didn’t make any damn money!

Right Side UpI looked for a job there the entire first month of February, which in itself is worrisome since us dumb yanks only get a four-month working visa (warning sign #1). At the end of February I accepted the one job that never asked for a resumé (warning sign #2). It was a sales job mostly for “backpackers,” youth from abroad working their way through their travels. Which was me. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: hire a bunch of cheap foreign workers who aren’t too familiar with local labor regulations but are transient anyways and usually desperate enough that they’ll work long hours and go anywhere at the drop of a hat. Yeesh. My situation might not’ve been “migrant Mexicans farmworkers in a Steinbeck novel,” but man, having Cesar Chavez over my shoulder woulda been nice sometimes. Which is the last I’ll say about that. Mailbox Metal The worst thing for me was that some of the better “transients” were making mad bank—around to $1000-$2000/week. One week, I made $33.95 (EMERGENCY! Abort Employment!).

Kangaroo Gonna Lick My Dad says never accept anything that eats as a gift. It’s a good rule; saves a lot of explaining as to why you must turn down an actual, hooved, barn-rental-required gift horse. My newly-minted cosmic rule is “never work really hard at a job at which you don’t earn at least minimum wage.” Simple enough, and kind of stupid I should have to spell it out.

Eltham, Skyline in the Color So why did I stay so long earning peanuts and a thick skin from all the Yank-haters? Stubborn hope and plain old stubborness. Fear of what was else was out there. Camraderie and commiseration. A deeply felt and somewhat misguided feeling that applying myself to the task was helping my personal developmont. Free travel even if it was only to the suburbs. Josephine (she prefers Jo) who lives in a pretty old house on Livingstone Road in Eltham, VIC, who has a garden made from old metal scraps, who fed me crisps and told me about the war, generally made me feel like a grandson, and whom I genuinely helped with power bills. There were a lot of good, or at least excusable reasons for staying so long. But I’m just not a good salesmen. Couldn’t tell you why. Either that or Aussies don’t trust Yanks. And I could’t blame them either.

You Taka Picture Me? Bottom line: I quit after two months and the only thing that kept me from boarding a plane come May 1st was $2000 of borrowed money and a couple weeks left on a lease. I went to Brisbane, the Great Barrier Reef, and stayed in Airlie Beach (the best beach town ever), all in two weeks. I had a two-week “vacation” before my plane (the one I was really on) left June 7th. Do I regret taking that job? Duh. I have a friend who’s personal motto is: “No regrets, ever; you can’t live it over again.” Which is a fine motto to have. But the way I see it, you can and do live it over again. All the time. With everything.

And today, whenever I an reminded how different I see things and how I act and how better I am understanding everyday persuation, I can put a price tag on it. Which fortunately or unfortunately is all the time. Sales is a tough job, but what’s tougher is talking to strangers. I still haven’t mastered it. But damn if I didn’t get an expensive push.

Categories
Glot-glot

Lan Dow Nunder

Attention visitor! There is no new glot for you here. The Glotmaster has travelled very far to glot from an entirely different continent, and you can sample his incredible excursion to the wonderful land of Oz right here:

The OzGlot

Until such and such a time when he decides he’s no longer there, you should all be able to get your daily smacking of glot right there. And hey! New feature—you can now contact this dude. There’s a form right there on that site. He loves mail.

What’s that you say—it’s too obvious I’m just writing this in the third person? I’m just trying to distance myself is all. Ha! And with that sublime pun (sublimely dumb) you’lll have to tide yourselves over for the next several months. Till then—ozzie ozzie ozzie(glot)!

Categories
Glot

Down Under Wonder

Due to the overwhelming number of inquiries as to why I’m making my way to Australia early next year, I feel I have to address the imminent influx of letters, email, and phone calls from concerned fans. Also I have nothing better to write about. And I have no fans.

Here’s why: Australia is frickin’ cool. Exhibit A: platypuses (not platypi, it’s a greek derivative… dumbass). The name translates as “flat foot” which is without a doubt fershure their least remarkable quality. I like to call them duckmoles. Not only are they venomous, egg-laying, and billed, they also get a whole ‘nother sixth sense: electrolocation. A platypus can perceive differences in electrical current between the two sides of its bill. Combined with its wickedly edematous spur, this makes the platypus the perfect go-to animal for scheming mad scientists everywhere.

I registered today for the Thorn Tree, a simple forum run by Lonely Planet for travellers like myself. Spice is nice but moreso good advice. And this, this was my first contribution:

Greetings all,

This 21 y.o. male willl be arriving in Sydney on Jan. 25th (yes that’s intentional) but will be taking the workaday route: job, apartment, the whole deal. Accomodations might be in order for the right kind of oz-farer.

That’s right. I just invited a bunch of strangers to sleep over at my place—in a foreign country I’ve never been to and don’t know that much about. Unless you count Platypi. I mean -puses.

Oh, and I should mention since I didn’t really talk about it at all—if you really want to find out why I’m going to Australia, you should try reading the other glot.

Categories
Glot

We’re coming to Aus-tral-ee-uh

BUNAC work visa, 2-night accomodations, orientation in Sydney, and Lonely Planet guidebook: $595

Inclusive 7-month traveler’s insurance: $379

Round trip airfare (including tax) to Australia: $1414.29

International Youth Travel Card to get huge airfare discount: $17.50

Total cost of getting there: $2405.79
Total money in the bank: $2396.46

…
Dammit. Can someone loan me nine dollars and thirty-three cents?